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What you’ll hear in this episode:

• The importance of setting boundaries
• Why people struggle with boundaries
• How to say no

Boundaries are an important aspect of leveraging life, but many people struggle with them for a variety of reasons. Even though they can be difficult, they’re not impossible. Hosts Becky Henderson and Courtney Santana dive deep into why boundaries are important, how to set them, and how we can benefit from them.

Some people think a boundary is a wall, that it cuts off relationships, but Henderson says that “boundaries enhance relationships because [you] don’t need a boundary with someone you intend to have a relationship with.” Santana notes how often times whenever someone struggles with setting boundaries it’s often due to them being afraid they will upset others. They discuss how perception comes into this all. You’re in control of setting your own boundaries, and that other’s perceptions of them aren’t important.

To hear more on what boundaries are, why they are important, how to set them, and real-life examples from the hosts, listen to the fifth installment of Leveraging Life. If you like what you hear in the episode, be sure to share with a friend or loved one! You can listen to more Leveraging Life here.

Hosts: Becky Henderson & Courtney Santana

 

Transcript:

this is a founding media podcast if well done this is leveraging life I’m Courtney Santana and I’m Becky Henderson yes and we’re here to talk about something very interesting today that limits people but it’s very necessary mean of the means of relationship and that is we’re talking about boundaries boundaries yes yes we talk about the tough stuff in here you know that someone might be asking okay what about Andreas have to do with leveraging life stands and I would say that it’s actually really important part of it if you don’t have boundaries you can have a really hard time leveraging what life is bringing to you absolutely absolutely yeah

I’m curious Courtney what’s what would you say what would you say is the reason why people struggle and boundaries I’m I think residents could be more than one reason yes for me I know it’s my fear of disappointing people so I’ll extend myself to the nth degree to avoid having someone disappointed in me so that people pleaser mentality possibly I’m not knowing what boundaries look like because maybe they never had them established for themselves so it’s like I don’t know how to you know practice something I’ve never seen I mean those are one of a couple of reasons I think that that would probably be my people don’t like foundries are they don’t use them well and I think that could actually be a really big and really big reason or common reason maybe one of the most common reasons is because when when something hasn’t been distinguished for you sure are modeled for you it’s not even on your radar that it’s that it’s a thing right we we call that the realm of what you don’t know that you don’t know yes so it’s if you come up in a culture or a family or a community where what gets modeled for you is your boundaries and that you don’t have an option sure you know to say no yeah or to set a boundary more you know that that it’s not okay to disagree or you know all of those types of things here then yeah it can be it can be a real challenge

well you know it’s funny I have a friend is that she should teach a seminar because I’ve never seen anybody actually say no so like perfectly she she doesn’t walk into situations that he doesn’t want to be and she basically tells people now that doesn’t work for me and people accept it the power of no I said you should teach a class because I absolutely should because people don’t resent her after they don’t they’re not angry with her she’s done it in such a beautiful way that people actually walk away having a better understanding of who she is and it’s it’s a it’s a a guest for sure because a lot of people don’t say no I I’m not very good at it saying now yeah I have you ever heard that no is a complete sentence yes she’s a brat she says that I’m given to prudence right now because she actually does say that yeah yeah you know the period yeah it actually doesn’t require any explanation well you know I always say no dot dot dot which means how can I make this right for you at some point even though it should be a hard now yeah yeah so what in you know what that says so that that sense of I’ve got to make this easier on you or I’ve got it would make you okay with it actually is an indicator of not having your own emotional boundaries yes like what’s yours to take care of him what’s your neighbors mark right when he ran in in their different kinds of boundaries there there’s mental emotional there are physical you know geographical there are you know spiritual foundries and

one of the one of the things that that I think maybe some people can be confused about is they think that a boundary is like like a wall right right then that amount three cuts off relationship yes and actually I would say boundaries enhance relationship absolutely because I don’t I don’t need a boundary with someone I don’t intend to have a relationship with okay okay so if it’s a short term memories are short term interaction you don’t really have value relationship so yes yes so yeah I can I can build a wall you know here’s my wall and see and you don’t get in here because you and I are not we’re not in a relationship with one another yeah I’m I’m not saying that’s the way you know that someone should live right but just to draw contrasts within what is a boundary you know boundaries actually there to enhance to allow you to stay in relationships now with someone and and when it’s practiced well here’s what I found is that when boundaries are practiced well it allows you to be with anyone that you want to be left without trying to change that okay all right well it means a lot of times I feel when people struggle with boundaries is because they’re afraid people will be upset with them they don’t wanna lose what they’re perceived relationship is but at the end of the day like you said it enhances relationship because you guys kind of know where you stand in the relationship so it’s really important to establish right

so with that that whole that whole interchange shove someone being upset with me usually how that actually shows up here’s the fear it’s not just I’d I’m afraid of them being upset the fear the way it it shows up for people is I’m afraid or I don’t want to make you mad yeah absolutely I don’t want to disappoint you as if that’s possible now what do we do it with people we don’t even know well when there’s people I don’t know or even someone that I do let let me give an example of it really what I’m getting at so it was years ago I was having a conversation with a psychiatrist friend of mine and I guess I send something I don’t even remember what it was that I said but then I followed it up with I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable and he looked at me said sweetie you’re not powerful enough to do that so do you I was like yeah because our language gives us this impression that when I do automatically makes you feel this or that hi that never happens right it’s just the produce is the perception that my perception yeah so you can’t make me mad right it’s my perception of what you’re doing or not doing right that’s generating the experience that I’m having so it’s really getting so this is weird this this particular boundary gets really really useful sure is that I own I am the source of the experience that I’m having in the moment okay with your behavior right so there’s your behavior and then there’s my perception of your behavior okay my feeling is coming from my perception I’m not inherently from your behavior so it’s like I own I have to own my reaction to you know I said no you may or may not like it but it’s my perception that you you don’t like it or not because sometimes we make the wrong we we make the wrong choice like Oregon the wrong word like if you say no yes and I get mad about that okay you didn’t make me mad right I chose to be mad I’m yes I’m choosing I’m choosing to have this response this reaction to you saying now okay it’s when you try to mitigate that for me you tried to run you’re actually trying to manage my experience that I am the author of tendering controls only you have nothing to do exactly that’s the freedom and what that psychiatrist at any sweetie you’re not powerful enough to do that yeah the like really like let that sink in yeah I do not have the power to choose your feelings for you yeah and when you start to get that about yourself then it’s you start to lead to even start to back off he just stop trying to manage that for other people yeah you know the more that you own the your experience them that the more comfortable you are with other people owning their experience that’s great there is very nice of you yes I is very freeing actually you’re not that powerful like you have a apart the ability to change people and their thoughts and behaviors just by you know what you say interesting mmhm

okay let’s dive on your foot yeah I hope so so here’s what happens when when you’re willing to take ownership of the experience you’re creating for yourself that’s what I mean by it allows you to then be with anybody so if there’s someone in your life that you’re committed to it like I am I’m committed to continuing in relationship with this person and you’re taking full ownership over your experience of that well then you can never be in a place where now they’re taking advantage of you or mistreating you because you are you and you never have to try to control them you can let me give you an example let’s say there’s someone who they they are the kind of person where they’re you know they’re always criticizing okay they’re criticizing you and you’ve decided you know I I don’t want to be in that kind of conversation anymore what a boundary would look like you taking ownership of you without trying to control them at all hi foundry would sound something like you know what I love you and I desire a relationship with you but I’m not going to engage in that kind of conversation anymore and you can do what you want so you’re you’re you’re a free agent in this world but I’m letting you know right now if that’s the kind of conversation that you want to have I’m going to be ending it I’m gonna be hanging up the phone and the wrong out the door you do what you want that’s basically saying that you can do what you want but I’m going to take off because this is not fitting me and this is what I need yeah that’s fair yeah it’s powerful well I’m that person gonna take them the next conversation it might they might even take it into the next relationship and realize that you know I think it’s really important to establish those that’s interesting yeah so that that would be yes an example of a boundary I like that though I like the would you put it

so how would someone who’s never established boundaries and take that step and saying this is what I value I mean because I I think that boundaries are meant to protect something so how do they define what it is that they’re protecting or he’s getting to the root of you know why am I why am I holding this place sacred and should I be holding it sicker when you this is three questions in one but I think the first one so I think if there’s been if there’s been a history of not having boundaries there sure in your life the other thing that you not only have you been not taught Dan how to create healthy boundaries sure you’ve also not been taught that what you desire matters in okay so you’ve gotta start waking up to my opinion matters her without justification right you don’t have to validate it but that there’s something there there’s something that you desire or something that you want it’s it’s like being happy for no reason okay I choose happiness and I don’t have to validate it I don’t have to argue for it sure it’s just what I chose it’s just what I chose right so taking on this this way of being that says you know for my life that I can I can actually choose a boundary that hold sacred something that I desire for the sake of holding sacred something that I desire yes but if I haven’t been taught how to do that then it comes it comes with it the sense of because if if you’ve had a history of your desires being run over yeah you know I’m talking about like when you’re a little kid or whatever and and and that’s been happening for you then you’re learning it’s not okay to say no when you’re learning is dedicated to give voice to what it is that you want in in in in power kind of way sure so it’s that’s part of setting boundaries is looking at seeing that what it is that you’re protecting is valuable because it’s yours right so if you don’t have that that perceived by your yourself then you don’t set those boundaries yeah that ten they they tend to go together yeah yeah how do you build on that value how do you decide Hey I am valuable enough that I need to to create these boundaries

I mean I’m say I’m actually learning a lot myself because I have the tendency to overextend myself because I will not say no and I don’t I’ve never self identified as as somebody that has an issue with my self worth now as I get out of some old habits and behaviors than I had in my entire life I am now I still feel like I still do it but I’m not doing it to that degree how do I do that I think it starts with the choice in in this is what I would also say about the choices that see if you’re waiting to feel valuable before you start treating yourself as valuable you’re going to go the rest your life nine because the the feeling oftentimes won’t come first like a cake it’s cultivated okay so if you haven’t created the space for it to take root in get cultivated then you’re you’re gonna be waiting forever yeah so it’s it starts with a choice shoe even if I don’t feel that that sense of value and worth I choose it yes I just use it and then from there I can protect that space and actually nurture it so that a week from now one month from now ten years from now this sense of who I am is valuable and worth it becomes my new what becomes my new normal yeah it becomes a habit yeah yeah I would also say this that if you haven’t practiced saying no you know if you haven’t given yourself permission to say no it’s gonna feel weird yes it’s going to feel uncomfortable yes because they always think in the back of your head on my gosh they’re going to go in like not contact me here they’re not gonna you know just a rational thoughts that you have read you know yourself talk like I I I know it’s not true and then you go back to that person is like Hey you’re start making concessions before even before they even open their mouths so yeah is there is interesting so I have also found this data you gotta get clear on the kind of relationships you’re committed to having what’s the quality of the relationship professionally personally that you were going to have that you’re going to be a stand for and your boundaries your your capacity to say no actually is a great test of the kind of people that you’re dealing with her because you know what someone might get mad when you tell now okay they might get mad now yeah and nothing I do this is going to change that I don’t believe right exactly like if they’re going to get mad when you set a boundary what does that say to you about the kind of person they are this may not be somebody that can have that kind of relationship with yeah yeah and isn’t that great information it is

it’s valuable information but we live in a such a emotion driven you know IT where that matter you know how you feel when you when you’re around me and how you feel when I’m not here is so so important and yet we’ve established that I mean everything is in motion driven so if you’re living on that it doesn’t feel good to feel like somebody’s an unhappy with you yeah it’s it really goes back to I’m not saying it’s it’s it’s pleasant sure when people are unhappy with you but at the end of the day you get to decide the experience that you’re gonna have around that whether you’re still okay or not or whether you’re not okay unless everyone else like just noticed that the impact on the quality of your life when we put it this way I love what Wayne Dyer said he said free yourself from the concern of the good opinions of others okay I like that if I’m no longer concerned about you having a good opinion of me that’s actually pretty liberating it doesn’t mean I’m going to show up and be a jerk to you right now because I just don’t care about Courtney thinks about me yeah right but it’s not like I’m no longer being driven by this nonstop concern that you approve of everything that I’m doing now I can show up in true service to you absolutely because we know where we stand with each other yeah I can see if I’m worried about your opinion of me yeah I’m never really going to be of service to you we are we are not concerned because everything that I’m doing is really being motivated by I hope she accepts me yes right so I’m gonna say what I think is going to get me that acceptance and that’s actually one of the things we wanted to to share today was a distinction yes between being nice and being kind yes hi and that is at the heart of being nice versus being kind use out muscle and being in the south be sweet yes easily yes I will now not being sweet has gotten me into trouble three seven always talk about the distinction between the two yeah what’s kind of what’s nine yes so nice and then maybe you know for our audience and maybe some of you out there you’ve you’re familiar with this maybe some of you aren’t I don’t know but most of the time again we use nice inclined like the one in the same there’s usually yeah they’re interchangeable we don’t see a difference niceness is really about me I don’t want to be uncomfortable if you’re upset with me okay some would be nice to you okay yeah and I’m going to get I’m going to hold back from anything I’m not there are things I’m not going to say in things I’m not going to do out of fear that you’re not gonna like it so it’s really about my discomfort if you’re upset with me yeah cat that’s what niceness really is about yeah but it’s guys in this well I don’t want to hurt your feelings here no I don’t want my feelings to feel off if you’re set yeah yeah this is totally preservation for me this is about me yeah absolutely where is kindness says you know what you might get upset with what I’m about to say and do but I really believe it’s going to serve you it’s actually gonna be helpful for you for me to show up in this particular white

so a great example of on a regular basis I’m sure everybody’s experience this have you ever been in a meal yeah I’ve been at dinner with with friends or family or strangers doesn’t matter and you’ve been engaged in conversation while you’ve been talking maybe you’ve been you know over dinner a half hour or so and then get up and go to the restroom and you look in the mirror and you notice you’ve got like spinach in your teeth sure it was his main Maryland wideout noted here do you know but he said anything right why didn’t they say anything because they don’t want you to be uncomfortable or awkward really no because they want to feel uncomfortable saying yes you’ve got sports like when your flight is down that’s a totally disabled yeah but they chose not to because that would have put them in an awkward position exactly Highness would be like that at the table that could in yeah yeah so the I mean that’s it in every day example that is how how we gets lived out for us with the bigger things this this you know being nice because I want to avoid the discomfort of what being truthful and honest with you would actually mean for me right right why would you want someone to have food in their teeth though that doesn’t make sense to me I would rather be the person that takes you off to the side because there’s wasted and this kind of goes into the how do we how do we actually do this in practice there are ways to stick that person off to the side Hey listen you should know I do it in a way that there it’s not over to the world where everybody can see it and I think that people struggle with ways of being honest and being I think because you don’t have real relationships with people and you’re not being truthful and if you’re not setting those boundaries I mean we’ve had interactions were you’ve shared with me and help me to have a better relationship with you and vice versa just because yeah it’s important for you to both of us to understand how we work together absolutely so if you don’t have that I think the conversation now I kind of just be a fluff and it’s not really anyway mmhm

it’s really important to establish though so how how you’ve given me some good advice can you share a link with the folks listening like some of the advice as far as establishing those boundaries so I yes the person at all like what we we mention this getting clear on the kind of relationship yeah professional or personal sure that I’m going to engage in yes and then as I am and as I’m meeting new people mmhm get it’s Rick it’s a lot easier to us today to get it in there at the beginning Sir than it is to try to recreate something down the road I don’t I know it not impossible to recreate something down the road yeah that absolutely that’s always possible because you know what every day is a new day yes we we have access to create something new every single day I’m not saying you’re limited because there’s been a history mmhm and it is you know the more you make this your intention for this is this is who I do relationship with yeah this is who I am in a relationship it just becomes a normal part of your language in it and I would say this like any time you’re learning a new language even the language of no the language you know it’s it’s gonna be a little clunky at first yeah right but if you stay in it eventually start getting fluent right eventually it really it really starts to flow yeah so if you know getting clear on what kind of relationships you’re gonna have and then you start bringing that in in you and you take responsibility for creating that dynamic sure that’s fair and if any here’s the thing if any thing is missing in your life in your relationship if a boundary is missing okay the only reason it’s missing is because you have not yet created it okay hi yeah and that’s not blame this is this is access to to being effective in your life this is responsibility if I can take responsibility for the boundary that’s not there the greeter then I can go and effectively create one I can actually bring something into existence that hasn’t been there before why is this not happening you’re like well this is because I haven’t established the boundary now have an opportunity to make that a real thing yeah yeah yeah and there’s no judgment in their life this is bad that you haven’t done that is like it’s just acknowledging me in becoming aware hello this keeps happening because I have a clearly established yeah then I’m not okay with spending yes like saying Hey are confirm two weeks out if I haven’t said that than that person doesn’t know and you cannot set the expectation yeah yes so so there’s I would say when you when you’re first in this place of setting boundaries if you haven’t had a habit of that yeah then just know it’s going to be uncomfortable at first and and you know it’s going to come out however it comes out and and and that you’ve always got an opportunity did to go back and keep reestablishing them so every rapper give me three points about boundaries that you would give to somebody in a quick pitch like this is how you establish boundaries is that possible well well it’s it’s getting clearer okay line on what it is that you want yes I’m getting clear that you actually make a difference in creating it and then you go and have the conversations like intentionally yeah that would have that dynamic get established and say this is I am sending this boundary and it’s okay for us to have boundaries boundaries are okay the hashtag yeah

I would think at the same time I would also say that you’re gonna have some people in your life that are like now and that’s that’s not what I want that’s not what I’m signing up for and that’s where you’ve got to get really clear then how how are you to live your life in the face of that yeah and if you continue to stay in relationship with someone who doesn’t want to honor and respect your boundaries then then that just leaves you tolerating it so you’ve got really you got to get really clear on what you’re willing to do in terms of those kinds of relationships is it a relationship and then I’m going to respect you so that’s something to think about to the next time that we get together and working in Santa and I’m backing Henderson thank you so much for watching leveraging life