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What you’ll hear in this episode:

• What it means to be responsible vs. fault finding
• The empowerment in taking responsibility
• Changing your perspective when faced with adversity

It can be difficult to take full responsibility for your actions while it is easier to put the blame on others. Even when something isn’t technically our responsibility it’s easier to pass blame and say something “is not my fault.” Leveraging Life hosts, Becky Henderson and Courtney Santana dive into what it really means to take responsibility and how to change your perspective when staring adversity in the eyes.

Henderson and Santana discuss how even though you might not want to, when you’re faced with a mess you didn’t make sometimes it is best to take responsibility for it. In doing this you can take a difficult situation and affect action that has the potential to change the situation for the better. When taking responsibility in the face of adversity you’re not letting others off the hook; you’re empowering yourself and saying you aren’t going to be a victim.

To hear more about changing your perspective, taking responsibility, empowering yourself to not be a victim, and to hear examples from the host’s lives to better understand the concepts in practice, listen to the fourth installment of Leveraging Life. If you like what you hear in this episode, be sure to share it with a friend or loved one! You can listen to more Leveraging Life here.

Hosts: Becky Henderson & Courtney Santana

 

Transcript:

this is a founding media podcast if welcome back to another episode of leveraging life I’m Becky Henderson I’m Courtney Santana skid steers it’s good to be here hi it’s good to be here good to be seen so in today’s episode we’re actually gonna be covering a topic that I believe is gonna bring a lot of freedom in people’s world I don’t know we’re gonna have to think we’re gonna come back again in the scratching and fighting but we’ll get there well and it’s it’s going to create a difference between what does it mean to be responsible verses to be blaming and fault finding regarding what’s going on in our lives right begin this the show is all about leveraging what life brings in a lot of times there can be adversity here in that and so the question is will are we are we to blame yeah the adversity in and is that the same thing as being responsible for the adversity are we ready to impact this one is going to be hardware and buckle up

yes so have you what’s your experience with responsibility and blame does it fuel or Kerr for you like it’s one of the same I I was raised by my mother and she was always about responsibility it was never you can’t blame people for your circumstances and my mother grew up during the civil rights era and I mean she’s a black woman who dealt with a lot of adversity at all times so she just really had to push forward through it rather you know it stopped or not I think as we we are get more info I guess insulated buyer privilege because that’s what I feel like that his arm I don’t feel like we take responsibility for our actions the way that generations past half so I was raised to be one of those it’s like okay yes that happened but what was your responsibility in it and sometimes it’s in a negative way and sometimes in a positive way that I actually do accept responsibility for my actions but it is so much easier to place blame it is somebody else’s fault it’s so much easier so I can write all right reserved to both

so yeah it’s actually what you’re describing is what I would say is this confusion or how we use the word responsibility and it is used to mean the same thing as blame and fault right like we don’t make a distinction I think there in lies armed resistance to being responsible because it’s like oh that’s not my fault right that’s my fault and so when we use those words interchangeably we get the sense that well I can’t be responsible because it’s not my fault sure and to take the responsibility of their consequences completely off of you in your mind right and in so I think it’s important what what I meant by that there’s a lot of freedom available in this conversation is key in making a distinction between these two okay yes so for instance a lot of times common language we say %HESITATION who’s responsible for this what do we mean by that yeah who can I blame for this who can I blame for this there’s rubble whose fault is that exactly and in in my work as a coach what has really revolutionized my life is seeing this difference that be responsible actually leaves you empowered to deal effectively with your life sure whereas fault finding and blaming leaves you handcuffed leaves you a victim of what’s happening right hi and and so being able to see that this difference because literally the word responsible or responsibility is your ability to respond back absolutely it is down yeah it is it’s our ability to respond into every place you give up responsibility you give up access to power to be effective to respond to whatever’s happened exactly yeah because a lot of times it was correct credibility when you constantly blaming and faulting other people they just like what you know she’s not going to accept responsibility for it anyway so we don’t even want her as part of the solution or what we’re going to do next so it’s important to clean that responsibility

so it but it also begs the question sure can you be responsible for a mass you didn’t make may be responsible for a nesting may I know that I’m not going to remember on so let’s get that started yes Sir so let’s say let’s say %HESITATION I’ll give you an example okay do you remember who Lee Iacocca it yes I do remember the R. cook and I’m old enough to know who the and maybe maybe our audience remembers maybe they don’t but so I grew up in Michigan and yeah during that time frame that I was growing up Chrysler the Chrysler corporation was about to go into bankruptcy yes and %HESITATION so terrible financial situation and what they did was they brought on Lee Iacocca yes as as the head to essentially turn it around so the question is was Lee Iacocca responsible for her with what’s to blame for Chrysler’s financial situation when they were like heading into bankruptcy no because he was brought in to solve the problem but he was still really take responsibility for it %HESITATION he absolutely did so he took responsibility isn’t a mess did that yes yeah that’s what responsibility responsibility says this I don’t care who made the mess yeah I’m going to take responsibility I’m going to affect action that’s actually going to move through it move past it create something else okay create a new possibility here who’ve made the mess doesn’t matter and it

here’s the thing it doesn’t it doesn’t absolve the person from holding other people accountable right I am I know of a the businessman he was in partnership and %HESITATION what happened was unbeknownst to him his partner had a gambling problem okay M. and actually ran the company into the ground and so that this this business man he had a choice he could he could either be responsible for what happened sure or you could be a victim so the victim the victim mentality or the blame and fault as you made the mess you fix it you fix it and my life is you know essentially going to be in the Crapper until he did for being responsible so you know what what you’ve shown me is that %HESITATION that I’m not going to be doing any more business with you yeah we’re just we’re to dissolve the partnership and and that’s what he did he does all the partnership so so they’re still accountability sure right now and I’m gonna go and rebuild my life and that’s what he did he he rebuilt his businesses started again but had he been stuck in blame and faults he he would’ve been stuck so exactly what it does he took on the responsibility of the gambling debt from his business so then the business state so it wasn’t like he went started a new venture and just walked away from it because I think that that’s that’s something to be spoken about two is taking something that this is leveraging life right I have a horrible situation you have horrible product or a horrible situation to deal with but being able to turn it into something else regardless of what other outside extenuating circumstances might be trying to affect you so he just took his business and just turn it into something else we had great yes it is all the thing that was not good and he said I’m going to move forward with the same venture as opposed to just walking away yeah that’s an option too I think that that’s the way right arching responsibility it’s not blame or fault but it’s just like complete avoidance altogether yeah but it wouldn’t you to your point that and even to be able to leverage life sure it requires that you take on it this way of moving to the world that says I’m going to be responsible for whatever is happening sure which doesn’t mean you control everything and it doesn’t mean that that things happen or don’t happen in that are you know as a result of somebody else’s choices but it still continuing to take responsibility for the impact of those choices that leave a person in power

give an example from my own life shortly after I moved to Austin I had an experience with %HESITATION Austin traffic and Austin traffic jams and a lot of traffic jam I got rear ended oh no yeah it was like it was like two weeks every year I get around it welcome to Austin thank you the old me would have experienced that like %HESITATION that’s this other person’s fault I was literally like that %HESITATION I was not moving at the point that I got rear ended oh my goodness it was the the guy behind me wasn’t paying attention and stepped on the gas okay now have I been in this old way of thinking Intersil way of experiencing it would have been very %HESITATION it would’ve been a very frustrating angry kind of situation and it’s your fault and you got right right right what was different for me was really in the space of how can I be responsible for what just happened here okay how did you when you were sitting still and how exactly going to be responsible for mass I didn’t make right and it left me empowered rather than being frustrated knowledge it was just you know what I’m going to talk with this man I’m going to create a situation where this is just going to get taken care of right I’m I don’t need him to fix anything in order for this to be taken care of absolutely because he may not do anything anyway right and you have to sit there in the situation and I had to own my choices sure here’s the thing I had on my choices that actually co created that scenario this is where a lot of people don’t even consider the active choices they’re making throughout their day that are leading you to a particular situation even if there’s adversity involved so I chose the appointments I was gonna have that day sure I chose the time of day I was going to be driving I chose the route I was gonna take him most of us when we experience life like blame and fault it a curse for us like I didn’t I didn’t choose this was it

this is where I am I want some clarification because he did you change your route as a result after this accident or like well now I’m just gonna go that way what do you continue to go on with your life because you have to continue to make choices and I wouldn’t start like preferably I’m not I I hate thirty five so I try not to drive down thirty five in Austin so I’ll try and download pacar when eighty three I try to avoid it now do I start driving a different route because I’m afraid I’m going to get into a car accident is actually car accidents can happen anywhere I mean how could you tentatively make I mean I know their choices but how could you make them different N. to avoid accidents I don’t understand well no I’m not suggesting that I’m I’m making choices specifically to avoid accidents okay it’s understanding accidents may or may not happen sure and if they do I can still take responsibility for the choices that I made sure that had me in that place at that time where the you know the the unforeseen able yes occurred again what I’m saying is it is it is it leaves me empowered versus feeling like I’m a victim of this uncertain future okay or this fear of %HESITATION I can’t drive on this road now because %HESITATION I don’t know if you know if yeah I know there’s none of that for me okay there’s none of that for me it’s like I’m going to keep choosing to move my appointment start live my life to drive on certain roads because I’m empowered to be able to deal with whatever shows up sure and not wait that so here’s a distinction it’s between having to try to predict the future in versus taking responsibility for creating the future okay even when the future has some uncertainty about it it’s like it’s it’s starts when you’re willing to take responsibility in your life so this is like a like a habit then and it’s a muscle that gets created when you get really practiced it taking responsibility then the uncertain future just it doesn’t it doesn’t look scary no you have to be careful no not at all because you know you’ve got what it takes to handle whatever comes up

so I was already yeah for sure that’s definitely a positive being responsible it does give you that that power like you were saying the empowerment piece is really awesome when it comes to be responsible M. so what’s different now for you with a with a DM responsibility so I would say another aspect that’s really shifted for me is not only do I not blame other people I don’t blame myself okay and that’s really really important to get that responsibility isn’t some code word for self blame okay no yeah it’s blame is just not even useful to me anymore it doesn’t serve me doesn’t serve anyone in my life in my life dozens of my clients are my family and my friends so I don’t even blame myself so going back to that self responsibility does not equal self playing hello

we have so many negative connotations for words that we really shouldn’t have you know I mean that that we’ve grown up with that %HESITATION part of the fabric of who we are because of our upbringing or people that we’ve been around because I think responsibility for some people is a bad word it’s like right so for you yeah what’s an example in your own life of where you’ve taken responsibility for the quality for what’s going to happen next whether you made the mess or not what’s an example of that a good example is %HESITATION being a single mother and deciding that okay I didn’t have these kids by myself and I’m like you know I’m not getting the support I’m supposed to have him but they’re here and I did have responsibility in getting them here they’re my children and now I have chosen to walk through this life with them what I’m going to make good decisions I’m going to make I’m I’m going to do the things I need to do to take care of them and take responsibility my built my ability to respond being a single mother because I hear a lot of times people say I’m a single mom I’m like yeah you are a single mom that doesn’t negate the fact that you have to be responsible for your children and so now I’m going to make different decisions for their welfare and for mine yeah really important to be able to do that because it takes the total people okay so this is a good example all right so I have two children and for a long time I didn’t receive any child support whatsoever I didn’t even go after it because I just felt like the person that left me in the situation why would I expect them to be responsible for providing any sort of you know income to take care of them and consequently I never I never looked at it that way and I actually teach the people that I work with listen don’t worries don’t rely on something from someone who’s already shown you what your value is to them in their lives in your news that one makes sense yeah so don’t sit around waiting for this magical check the fall you are still here your children are still here they need to be fed they need to have a place to stay you are responsible for that what do you want to DO so giving them the tools to actually make that happen is really really important so that they’re never relying on some magical check I’m waiting for I’m waiting for that check to come in and I’m like well it may never come what are you gonna do

yeah yeah well in in in that here’s here’s a component of being responsible sure in order to even be responsible yeah you have to see that who you are matters yes in that you make a difference in the outcome of your life yes yes you have to take control over it because otherwise you know they’re always gonna be extenuating circumstances that will come are you always going to be a victim that’s always having things hit you are you going to take those things just bounce them back because they can turn into a positive well and that’s the whole crux of how you leverage any kind of adversity each or difficulty is this willingness to be responsible for it so in any given moment we get to either be responsible for you to be a victim now I much rather be a responsible person than to be a victim these days in March and I think it’s really important in our conversation that when in in any of our our shows are with any of our guests to acknowledge being responsible is not to blame okay yeah you know this isn’t this isn’t blame we’re not blaming anyone ourselves or anybody else to for any kind of adversity or difficult to you know that happens in life it’s not blame it he is the access to the leverage that you know all of our guests and in our cells like what we’ve experienced in life that one thing is a cook like everybody’s story is different yeah but that is a consistent message with anyone who has turn adversity into advantage is they’ve been willing to be responsible

well okay so you mentioned earlier and to one of our directors or talk about putting on the big girl panties let’s have that conversation about now okay you know this is a real thing let’s talk about the big girl panties with the thing with the realization when it comes to blame and fault versus responsibility okay gonna jog my memory a little bit more we were talking about well talking about the ability to take to actually take responsibility for yourself I think that that’s what you’re there yes No so here’s here’s how it let me give an example of really putting this to the test sure okay so one of one of the inspiring thought leaders and in the world of psychology his name is Victor Frankel and Victor Frankel with a psychiatrist using Jewish and he actually survived living in the concentration camps and so if anyone knows inversely about then yeah I would say okay he’s an authority on it and one of my favorite quotes of his and I’m gonna read it because I wanna I wanna get it right and want to honor what he said he said between stimulus and response there is a space in that space is our power to choose our response in our response lies our growth in our freedom I love that that’s really good yes that space in between hi yes he didn’t say this before having lived through a concentration camp he said after he said it after it’s important yes yes so that you have this capacity as a human being if you want to take this on if you’re willing to do this you have this capacity to choose your response in any situation absolutely to choose being responsible to choose to move forward to choose to to give up to choose to be a victim even fundamentally see I have found this that the more we acknowledge the choices that were making on a regular basis like this is this is a way to actually practice this sure what have I chosen today in well even fundamentally get everything you know that that shit hit the fan bart officials yes yes yes it’s like in my choosing to stay here on the planet yes yeah even if everything even if every other choice feels like it’s been taken away for me to get my choosing to stay here and in my choosing that this was another thing the Victor Frankel talked about here you can have everything taken away from you except your power to choose your response you can choose your attitude you can choose your way in life

absolutely I we were talking about the fact that you can have things coming at you but how do you respond to find your integrity and defines your character what what you’re made of yes do you have the stuff to actually deal with these things and take responsibility and the people are watching I think that people forget that people are watching your behavior to see how are you going to respond to it and then can I respect a person for the dish the choices that they make they make in this situation it’s like well this is how this person is treated this person how is she gonna respond he’s gonna go this way she gonna go that way a lot of times people make judgment calls on who you are three response and you have to take that on if you don’t respond that’s also another opportunity for them to decide the V. or somebody that they want to deal with or not yeah yeah and I would I would add this doubt with %HESITATION I also make in my work I make a distinction between a response and reaction okay his reaction you know it carries with it this idea of a case is automatic yeah I can’t help it yeah a response this is a free choice one you thought through it they are simply choosing yeah I’m choosing this and again it’s this ownership over over your choices rather than their sense of all I could help it yeah yeah that’s %HESITATION they they pushed my buttons on all of that is just more victim thinking absolutely ownership under seige victims are usually not owners of their circumstance exactly exactly where they they’ve convinced themselves yes yeah I don’t either my hands on this because I didn’t convert so I don’t have to deal with the circumstances I’ve come or the consequences that come as a result of it and that’s not the case

so let’s talk about a little instantly gassy yes it’s the what what blame does what being the victim does is it just allows me to feel better about not getting the life that I want to thanks I think that that that was the point where I wanted to get to he unpacked yet just a little bit yeah so so if I’m if I’m in blame then yeah I get to be right I get to feel validated and justified right about not getting what I want right %HESITATION about getting something I don’t want to hear so rather than doing the work of of taking on responsibility for the life that I desire sure I’m just kind of in this place of resignation mark and and so all that the blame does is help me feel a little bit better now about you know having a what I don’t want the resignation turns into being powerless you’re not empowered in that space and %HESITATION yeah no no not at all what I’ve found is this is that when people start to get a taste of what true responsibility is this is the other thing to try to take on responsibility while you’ve still got it confused with Blaine is also it’s not going to be very useful number you’ve got you’ve got to suspend the judgment of blame and fault finding and that there’s anything wrong going on here yeah only then is response are you gonna be able to experience responsibility for what it is which is just freedom it’s freedom its power its access its movement yeah yeah in your life and when people do that here’s what I found is that they start looking for to take more more responsibility everywhere they go right right because it’s empowering yes yes and it’s interesting

I want to wrap up with this the style I thought probably about eight years ago I went through this thing called the Phoenix project okay I came up with it by myself all right my arm the Phoenix project where I saw that my life was becoming something I didn’t want to be you know this is after the abuses after everything I was actually in a marriage and things were supposed like apparently supposed to be going the way they’re supposed to go and they weren’t so then I had to take some responsibility like I was unhealthy I was in a very bad mental space and I said I just sat down one day and roll out these areas where I was like okay what can you do to do to to to change the situation and a lot of that then the area is it really did come down to me like I couldn’t pull in somebody into that area and so that’s the reason why this is like this but at the end of the day it was me I was a common denominator in all those areas if I wanted any lasting change I had to make it at the start with myself yeah so the question then that can serve you can serve me in concert anyone who’s listening yeah to always be willing to ask sure is who am I being that this is happening yes look at how am I showing up with the people in situations and circumstances in my life that these are the results that I’m getting yes and then from there let that inform what happens next absolutely

I’m Courtney Santana I’m Becky Anderson thanks for watching leveraging levels you next time