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As a note to listeners, this show does talk about abusive relationships and other sensitive subject matter.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

• • How obstacles can disempower people
  • What attraction really means
  • How to move past obstacles to start leveraging life!

On this episode of Leveraging Life, hosts Becky Henderson and Courtney Santana dive deep into the attractions and patterns that prevent people from leveraging their life. Leveraging Life is all about telling stories of people who have overcome incredible adversity and have been able to channel it into their own success. This includes Henderson and Santana.

Henderson and Santana explain that attraction might not mean what we typically think it does. Attraction, they say, isn’t about what you like, it’s about what feels familiar and patterns of behavior can arise from your craving for familiarity. To change and interrupt patterns requires you to “put on your big girl panties” and do some self-reflection and actualization. It’s not easy, Henderson and Santana are clear about that, but it is necessary to move past traumatic experiences like an abusive relationship.

There’s a fine line between victim shaming and personal accountability. That’s why it’s so important for survivors to make a non-judgemental analysis of their attractions and patterns. Oftentimes, it’s helpful to have a therapist, spiritual advisor, mentor, or even a friend to go through this process alongside you.

Listen to the second episode of Leveraging Life to hear Henderson and Santana talk more about overcoming the disempowering obstacles in our lives. If you like what you hear, leave us a review and share the show with a friend! You can listen to more Leveraging Life here.

Hosts: Becky Henderson & Courtney Santana

 

Transcript:

this is a founding media podcast

Hey welcome back to leveraging life the un common conversation of men and women transforming adversity into a mission to serve others I’m Becky I’m Courtney hi how are you well hello Courtney hello Becky it’s great to be back good to be right yes so today we are talking about attraction, patterns alignment that get in the way of leveraging one’s life that actually keep us stuck in in the old sign disempowered ways of being absolutely yeah and how do you identify them and see it and at least start the conversation of what to do with them absolutely there has to be some self actualization when you realize that there is a pattern in your life

I actually see a ton of them in my own life so I’m interested this is going to be in that conversation it will also you see a ton of them in your own life tell us a little bit about that what are some of the patterns you recognized well it seems that keep you from leveraging absolutely I’m the one people say all the time it’s like I’m a people pleaser and it’s like well what does that actually mean and I know for me is very very difficult for me to feel like I’m disappointed someone so I will and I have done things that are detrimental to myself and even to that person because I haven’t been necessarily for anything about my my limitations I haven’t really I wasn’t real with them and told them this is something that’s what this is going to limit me from delivering one on what you’ve asked me to do so there are times in my life where I continually see this pattern where I’ve allowed myself to get into a situation where I just told them what the real deal was and I just didn’t because I didn’t want him to be upset or disappointed I I I I didn’t find that I think it’s coming from childhood and I’m still working on it but it’s something that I I know it’s a definite pattern in my life that I would love to get to the root of yeah it was so for myself as well there are patterns that I have I’ve identified by work done you know and have actually been able to create some new habits in those areas and then you know there are others that you know gross gross never ends right right as long as we’re on the planet we’re gonna keep growing and so for me I really look at it from that perspective of again not trying to fix something that’s broken but recognizing where can I grow next time stand out one of the patterns that I’ve seen and I think this is true for anyone who’s had an experience where they’ve been left disempowered is an unconscious habit with with being victimized all right so that we make choices that actually leave us disempowered and it’s it’s not that we like it in this is what’s really important about the attraction contraction isn’t about what you like attraction is about what feels familiar sure so especially in those in those early years as a child or significant experiences even as as an adult if it gets in there and it gets deep down as this is what feels familiar we will tend to gravitate towards that and so I saw I saw it in in my life this this pattern of setting up my relationships in a way where I quote unquote got the shaft I got the wrong end of the deal every single time to me exactly so I got to be I got to be the victim all over again and I hated it right it was like I hate this but it was my choices conscious or unconscious and kept moving me in this direction that set me up for that and it wasn’t until I saw that I was the common denominator who now that’s some be real I I’m doing it stuff I thank you and I willing to admit that maybe I might be responsible for it yeah yeah and we’re gonna have a conversation all responsibility and verses blame and fault that one’s upcoming we’re definitely going to explore that one deeper and but tell me I I’m curious you you were talking earlier about a situation currently yes where you’re recognizing some patterns that are leaving you stuck this is something I’ve been literally talking about in my life for the last ten years because when I left my abusive relationship I was no longer an abusive physically abusive relationships but I found where I was being manipulated or in some sort of mental or emotionally abusive relationship and I’m like how is this happening but it wasn’t in a apartment relationship it was in a business relationship I was in a friendship and I was like wow I I thought it was limited to somebody that I was actually being you know in a relationship you know within apparently it’s not I am it is popped up again in my life where I’m like how did I not see this person for who they were at the beginning and what am I contributing to the situation because again it is you know there I am in that mixture I am part of that cocktail that is adding up to this relationship so what am I doing to create this environment where these abusive relationships continue to happen but now it’s popped up in a business relationship or I’m gonna have to cut someone off because we are not compatible and that way and I’m just not willing to sacrifice what I know myself to be for the sake of that relationship when can you share what is the difference in how it showing up now in a business context and you know that’s different than how it showed up in a intimate partner you know what what’s different about it it seems like maybe that there can be some things that are maybe a little more subtle sure a little more difficult to recognize that you know there’s some boundaries that are being violated here of course it’s not physical of course so it’s not a physical right issue it’s more so than and like the manipulation and the I guess the use of power over me is being used to have the resources so it’s like oh okay that doesn’t feel good and that looks like a physically abusive relationship and showing up as a business relationship is the weirdest thing but they have the same traits they look the same except with the methodology of how the business is different yeah so how it’s actually going down is is completely different surface this time it’s more so words and how words are being used in it’s interesting it’s it’s definitely something that’s at top of mind right now for me and just thinking through what I’m dealing with at this very moment and I know people deal with it all the time it’s in friendships I shortly after my abusive relationship I realize that I was in a piece of friendship because this person was trying to control my movements like they were coming fourteen times a day and they would show up when uninvited and things like that I’m just like why am I allowing this to happen so I really feel like there has to be some actual work on Courtney died to do this intended for ever I mean I started a book called you are here again ten years ago to deal with this topic and my publisher said break this up into three different books because this is a topic that a lot the only thing I think it would be very good so yeah now well into something that I wanna I wanna point out about this is that if there’s a pattern if there’s an alignment again like what we said is that it’s not about what you like or what feels good it’s just about what’s familiar what has gotten reinforced and programmed what has gotten into the level of of habit right so what’s really important in the conversation is to approach it from a place of non judgment yes there’s there’s nothing bad or wrong that this habit is in there it’s actually how we it’s the very same mechanism that allows me to drive a car sure you know without thinking about all the details of it because things get put on auto pilot where that can get in our way is that when the things that are on auto pilot are disempowering for us that’s where we need to look at it and say okay is there something going on there that I can begin to consciously work on and shift and change around like if this pattern is no longer serving me sure so that’s really important because when when we bring in judgment like this is bad or wrong that this is happening it actually gets in the way of us doing the work yeah because the stumbling block for us actually get it done right because if we’re beating ourselves up about it I love this there’s a metaphor that when we’re beating ourselves up for something that we identify dance like dealing with a flat tire by bashing in your windshield it’s like a lot but I didn’t find something that needs work and help and I’m just gonna like keep you know throwing throwing calls you know on my head yeah yeah yeah so it’s really important to be able to come at this from a place of non judgment and just look at what is the impact of this pattern in my life well thank you and this that brings the like we talked about these earlier it’s like what how do I

how do patterns start like how do you like how does that actually take root in your life because I I know that it has to do with you know early childhood I know that has to do with like like the brains actual structure I don’t know much more beyond that I think that patterns it’s not just something you do it’s it’s actually logical correct sure because that is I mean that every pattern has a neurological basis for that that’s why it’s become a pattern because we say we say that neurons that fire together wire together okay so something that gets reinforced in actually your your brain has this has this a limited amount of material that actually blinds neurons together these connection points and so I’m learning so much from records release or so so that that’s what happens they what they what they refer to as pruning in the brain is that well we also say use or lose it right right so if you don’t use a particular skill there that those connections will start will start to break away as in the material that holds those neurons together we’ll get used to to hold together other connections instead wow yeah so you’ve got you’ve got both so whatever’s getting reinforced it’s literally getting more and more connecting while you know material holding it together so another another thing that is is at play is that once that pattern is established it actually creates a neurological chemical experience on the inside so that once you try to break that pattern or habit you actually have a neurological reaction that is craving that particular experience because it’s been reinforces what the person is what you know yeah exactly so that’s what’s happening here chemically without using a bunch of that big fancy words that you’re on yeah that’s a fancy that’s going to get over there today on yeah but but then another way that we can go out it is from this aspect of the the comfort zone or the set point if you look at the the unconscious brain almost like a like a thermostat and so there is this particular set point for what feels normal right so you start getting too far above that set point mean else and also a above as in life starts feeling too good for you all right yes it’s still too good for too long you’re right you have you will go into sabotaging behavior to get back into that set point I literally had a conversation with somebody last week it’s like my life is too good right now I’m freaking out yes that’s it yes yeah that’s it and so we are because the it that’s what the sub conscious does is it keeps putting us back into what feels familiar while in any in particular survival brain which again we’re not going to get into the the complex terminology but the survival brain which is this primal part of the brain that all all of us have dampened when it gets when it gets triggered surrogate perceives a threat

yeah all it is designed to do is to keep you safe like to get you through a crisis right right that that’s all it can do mark which means in other words to get you back into what feels familiar right okay so this year back to your normal right right it cannot help you grow right it’s not designed to do that sure so there’s this tension then between all patterns what feels familiar and new patterns and then wanting to grow it actually is going to involve discomfort yes and of course going to be uncovered I don’t want to be discomforted so I was just about to win it now right so that’s and that’s another thing that that play is that once we’ve got a certain pattern in place then I start doing something different I engage in a different quality of relationship or different quality of of success it starts to feel uncomfortable and if I haven’t done my work if I don’t know that that this is going on sure I will I will go into that scrambling behavior while to to get back into what does feel comfortable you know that the struggle or that what have you

you know it’s funny because my work with these clients that’s what I hear all the time it’s so uncomfortable to move for it because like you said these patterns are so embedded in in into who they are that they don’t even know if there’s a possibility show him options it’s like Hey this is great job opportunity you should go for it they’re gonna hire you it’s a great payment he is a challenge and it’s beyond where they’re what they’re willing to go but this even explains it even further it’s like it’s not even it’s not even near logically possible until there’s something done so how do you break that pattern how do you keep yourself how do you break that pattern from being in that that place like so how does this start every break yes so that is a great question yes and we’re going to get in a part of that today and then some of it will will also be in an upcoming episode right that’s in the works so breaking the pattern and the first and foremost and quality of breaking the pattern is being aware yes that the pattern exists in actually seeing and identifying it because we we don’t have the choices that we can’t see right I can’t see it I have no access to and I don’t even know that it’s there so so there are ways that individually you know there are questions that I can

I can ask myself to look at and identify it as well as in relationship with a therapist to coach a mentor a spiritual director someone who can help me navigate and identify the patterns because it’s that’s that’s one of the trickiest things to get at is is it because usually if it’s in this world of the blind spot sure then I I I can’t even recognize that it’s there so it can be helpful even a friend a lot of times can help point out patterns absolutely I’m just asking Hey do you see a pattern a disempowered pattern going on in my life and I bet you if you’ve got someone in your world on a regular basis they’ll be able to if you’re open to it yeah you know they could thing right there be open to constructive criticism you’re going to receive yeah exactly because it it may be surprising right and that’s the whole point when it’s in your blind spot it’s going to be surprising her because it wasn’t already on your radar right right yeah something new to you so you’re going to be like oh I didn’t even know they exist and it might be kind of gross for you’d expect yeah so so here’s some questions on the on the individual level that can start to help you identify

so one of the questions is really just to look at what are the disempowered patterns that I see like what continues to happen in my intimate relationships business relationships in my health you know that leaves me feeling stuck leaves me feeling helpless or frustrated and you can begin to to just take note of that are you know start to do just just observe it again without without any kind of judgment around it that it’s good or bad or shouldn’t be there and non judgment is very important very very much important yes

I’m another question is what is it in me now this is like a big girl britches time okay which big girl britches on what is it in me that the lines or allows for this dynamic to be there oh my goodness you’re in my field that is a very difficult question to ask because we are told not same victims and it’s not victim shaming could have this conversation about him is a matter of accountability S. is victim shaming if you’re not willing to claim this you can’t fix it and I think a lot of times people are scared away from realizing the truth because that you don’t want them to feel bad but it’s uncomfortable like you said yes it’s necessary yeah so yes talk more about that’s awesome yes so what is it in me yeah it aligns with this another way to to ask that is what about this feels familiar right did I have experiences early on on a regular basis or like a significant events in my life where this same not when did this happen before but when did I experience a situation that left me feeling the same way the the disempowered stock you know helpless I can’t you know I can’t do anything here about it so it’s it’s really being able to identify where does the familiarity come from now more big bigger bridges figure over to Sam okay because so you can identify it right and what what if you keep getting drawn into it anyway all right I know this is an issue and I keep doing it yeah time now okay what is the upside to this pattern I don’t like it it hurts me it’s giving me the life I don’t want to have but what is the upside to it because people don’t keep doing things that don’t have some sort of benefit but I would think that would be the familiarity of the patterns that keeps doing it not so much the benefit that you get from doing the pattern so well that the the familiarity can be one of the benefits okay okay another one it might be because of this this is true like who would I be without this it might be something you identify yourself like you self identify with yeah yeah that’s interesting or or so it’s so sometimes the benefit is in avoiding the discomfort voiding the fear of you know what would my family think if all of a sudden I was successful rather than every business I attempted granting my family because I was successful in Houston yes but they’re a little bit actually struggle with that it sounds weird as bad so yes so the disempowered pattern it always has an upside to it okay so just being willing again without judgment being able to ask that of yourself what what’s the benefit in this what’s the upside

that’s big girl that’s big time big girl panties because hard to actually to say then about yourself it’s like one of mine what am I running from that could possibly be positive for me and that doesn’t even make sense right so right and if you’re willing to look yeah you are going to find something incredibly useful if you’re willing to look hi are we willing to risk I’m willing to learn Lula should gather so another question is the flip side of that what is this pattern costing me yeah and if nothing changes what’s going to happen yeah I am I willing to pay that price with my life he most people if they are gonna fire departments negative and they want to change it but are they willing to do the work to change it and what are they willing to actually take the steps to make that something that they no longer do anymore that’s habits so you’re certain to have been written warnings are you there could you talk about habits that are involved in patterns well in in that really does is what it comes down to is that when you really identify the cost is really costing me at the level of the quality of my life and and in my future yeah am I willing to pay that price most people don’t get present to the cost right is it again it’s it’s uncomfortable right I don’t want it I want to look at how this is actually costing me right if I do that again it can give me the give me choice in the matter now I get to choose and and that’s actually really important here awareness you don’t you don’t have a choice without awareness sure awareness makes the choice possible and I still get to do the choosing okay so you have the power to control the situation as well to make the right choice right okay yes awareness in and of itself isn’t enough it’s a starting point it’s essential as the starting point but I still have a choice to make yeah knees up that’s hard to yes yes

so you know we are getting to the bottom of our time together here we’re gonna have to wrap up to short breaking these conversations are a little bit too heavy to start when I heavily with a good and we need them return yeah well and we will retire so many bargains story we will have an upcoming episode that will explore more of the tools modalities methodologies that can be really useful in establishing new patterns breaking old patterns and can help you know in that process so we’ll definitely cover that your show is yet to be great thanks okay things are named thanks by the next time