[featured-video-plus width=770]

 

As a note to listeners, this show does talk about abusive relationships and other sensitive subject matter.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

• • What self-love is
  • Questions to ask yourself if you want to practice self-love
  • How to address feelings of guilt about spending time on yourself

Self-love can be a tricky concept for people because spending time, energy and resources on yourself can feel selfish. But that’s just not the case. Hosts Becky Henderson and Courtney Santana explain that self-love is one of the most selfless things you can do. If you’re not following, think about the directions everyone gets on an airplane before take-off: “put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.”

They give those instructions because if you pass out from lack of oxygen, you will be no help to anyone around you. The same goes for love! If you’re spending all your time and energy on others you are by default putting the expectation of having your needs met on others. If you reverse the equation and put fulfilling your own needs and desires first, then everything you have leftover can go to others. You won’t find yourself desperate for others to fill your needs.

To hear more about this not-so-radical concept of self-love, listen to the third installment of Leveraging Life. Henderson and Santana explain questions you can ask yourself to see if you need to invest more time in self-love because “it’s not just going to get a manicure or pedicure.” If you like what you hear in this episode, be sure to share it with a friend or loved one! You can listen to more Leveraging Life here.

Hosts: Becky Henderson & Courtney Santana

Transcript:
this is a founding media podcast
Hey welcome back to another episode of leveraging life Courtney it’s great to see you good to see you as well I need this this morning it’s going to be interesting so this is a show where we share the stories of people that are taking what life throws at them and they’re using it all to for their own good and for the benefit of others and so today we’re going to be we’re going to be looking at a very interesting here soon and it’s this topic of self love loving yourself and the maybe the misconceptions that are there and what does it look like to actually develop a loving relationship with yourself yes because I’ve been told and I think many people like me that to focus any energy on yourself is selfish not selfless so yes I would I’m very interested in the role in dispelling that myth into talking about how I can do more as for myself because I’m still in that development stage of my life which is interesting
so let’s talk a little bit about that what is been what has been the experience that you had with you notice that self love is selfish and and how is that unfolded in your own life well I think a lot of it came when I became a mother so everything on my focus all my attention everything was about my kids and if I spend any time on myself it was always sure it was always riddled with guilt like what are they doing what do I need to do for them before I can go and take care of myself and then just learning that self love is not just going to get a manicure pedicure it’s actually taking time to focus yourself to calm yourself to get the help that you need when you’re dealing with some issues we know that you’ve got your face and they show up in your body so I an interesting learning how to do that especially with my background so one of the things that comes up for me when I think of self love it yeah that is in my upbringing you know a lot of messages are we we absorb them we we catch them you know even if nobody specifically says think this way right what gets modeled for us you know becomes the way that we think and and and then in addition to that when it when it comes to something like this a lot of my early experiences you know I was actually taught put others ahead of herself yeah you know think of others as better than yourself yeah you know and and that was a message that I heard on a regular basis and and yes it is kind of everything came together to create the sense that thinking well of myself and actually caring for myself was selfish yes yes in this one I had this long discussion with my husband you know the three o’clock you know discussions are not supposed to have used this wristlet I was asking him is like you know what do you think about self care and what do you think the difference between self care and self fishes interestingly enough he does the thing being selfish is back and I was we had a long heated debate about it and I was like selfish is so wrong he’s like no it’s not and I was like what do you call it what’s your definition
so I think maybe coming up with the definitions and is it like a gender difference like the way the men look at self care is different than the way that women look at soccer so you’re you’re actually bringing up something that I’ve seen it often is that more women struggle with this idea of of of living themselves men tend not to I’m not saying that you trust them across the board yeah I like that they don’t see caring for themselves as a as a negative selfish you know experience in so here’s here’s a couple of of distinction that I’ve seen with this is that selfishness is really the absence of love okay you have to break that one down for you like you give that’s okay so here’s the thing if I’m not loving myself okay I become obsessed with getting it from everyone else okay so you can fill that hole exactly so I want you I want you it’s like really this this idea of what gets expressed is selfishness is really because there’s an absence of self love that’s interesting so it’s like I can’t get enough because if I’m not loving myself you’re going to want you to do it and I want her to do it I want him to do it and like I want everyone else in my class to selfishness or self exactly because I’m literally at I’ve got this bottomless pit that is just and it’s it’s never enough and it’s never enough and I’m really consumed about about getting it but it’s really subtle it’s really sneaky R. because you’re right here I am you know taking care of my kids taking care everyone else in yet underneath it all it’s like when I can get mine when I going to get mine while a mind blowing because I thought about it that way is this whole that you’re trying to fill with other people when it really should be you filling it yourself so when I do the work of giving myself I call it like just near some fundamental emotional physical spiritual care right I do like I get first in line for that something very interesting happens I actually become more available yeah to the people in my life and become more giving I always got more to give because I my fundamental need for love or desire for love is it’s already taken care of yeah that’s
that’s kind of the concept of you know giving from a full Cup as opposed to giving from an empty cup it’s like if your cap is overflowing than the overflows for everybody else and you’re not giving from a place of weakness or lack that makes sense well yeah and if you’ve done you’ve been on an airplane yeah before you and what is being that every single guys in flight free flight instruction says regarding the oxygen mask as she put it on you first and then you put it on your children or your dependents or whoever’s around you do you for right and why do you have to do you first because if you pass out yeah they they need you to be available to put it on you for so that you can breathe so she can help other people yes so the way I look at it is this that self love is actually one of the most self less acts we can do for the people in your life and what a freeing thing to say you know what I mean like I know that if I can love myself and take care of myself I can do more for other people you know I actually heard that that the oxygen mask analogy drawn when I saw Susie or mine and she was talking about finances and how you should handle your finances you’ve got to fill your Cup first before you voted for the house because a year here at everybody else and pulling you down with them because you’re not capable and you’re not at full capacity so I guess that makes sense it makes a lot of sense I like that the snow blower component
what do you think people miss that well again I think that there that there is that misconception that it’s that it is it selfish and if you’re living your life you know based on you know like your parents are teaching you to share right so OK think of others as better than yourself you know all of these things they you know they they add up so that they they can’t see the benefits of loving themselves here’s but here’s also and another aspect to this is that the way you treat yourself is a template for how you experience everybody else yeah I have experience that so so if you are not loving yourself sure it actually diminishes your capacity to receive love from other people they might be giving it to you but it won’t land now all the way in the world take called exactly it’ll just it’ll just keep sliding off you know because if I am in the way that not loving myself can show up yeah in different ways so we can show up like maybe I just I just ignore my own needs and desires and things like that yeah it can also show up where I’m actually critical and harsh in in judgmental sure you know where I wore out my my thoughts in my myself talk is actually very damaging you know hand and destructive so if if that’s what’s going on and I always feel bad about myself yeah then if I have someone in my life that maybe they’re loving and kind you know what it might feel good for a little bit but I will find a way to demand it doesn’t advertise yeah and and to keep in keep all of that out and to keep all of that at a distance so if you raised your entire life to be taught this way it’s hard I mean I’m in my forties and like it’s hard to go ahead and change that when it’s so ingrained in who you are and by the time you’re forty or my age you probably have had children maybe one or two relationships where you actually ingrain than other people so how do you number one identify it’s time for me to develop this practice for myself and then how do you change the imprint you’ve made and everybody else I guess it would be through example but how do you how do you identify it and how can you change it later on once you realize this is something you need so how does a person identified that they’re not letting themselves right they’re not living themselves properly because if you’re if your mom is like this your grandmother was like an or your dad was like this like you’re even seeing your entire life and you just come it’s is diametrically opposed to everything you love you’ve heard the scene you’ve been exposed to
how do you identify and there’s something wrong yeah I think it comes down to being open I think so like being open to a conversation like this sure right and in actually having ears to listen that there’s another way yeah and what what might that be like you know I think sometimes really what it takes for someone to wake up is that you just you know you get sick and tired of being sick and tired yeah and you you hit that point where this isn’t working yeah it’s just it’s just not working and so is so especially in light of you know what our show is all about where you know this how do we leverage life here you know it’s like you hit this point where what I’m doing in life isn’t working what else is there and and it’s and I think this is actually really important a lot of people relying on negative self talk like a tool yeah like oh this is my motivation if I’m not hard on myself you know if I’m not beating myself up on a regular basis yeah I’m not going to succeed I’m not going to you know fill in the blank whatever the fear is and hold it in part yeah I would just say how do you know yeah you you never tried it now he’s known is is beating yourself up and being hard and and critical with yourself would you be open to trying this out in at least seeing what happens and I think that’s great for me because there’s so many people that specially with that I work with they don’t know what self love is and if you’ve ever dealt with any sort of abuse or any sort of violence it’s like you know I I’m almost deserving of this because it was a normal that I signed my life in the past or I saw my mom going through it so helping them to identify that it’s not it’s going to be uncomfortable and it’s gonna feel wrong but it’s something that you need to do is you can develop new relationships you know in the future yeah it’s really important well it’s so again to to make that connection with how I treat myself as the template for how experience everyone else is is this if I’m treating myself really poorly yeah I’m actually going to align with other people your dad to reinforce that right you treat me poorly and I’m and I’m going to keep people that want to treat me really well at a distance yes I’ll I’ll find a way to not be close to them because it feels off uncomfortable in in most of this is happening most of this is happening unconsciously yeah it’s not like we are articulating to at ourselves this person treats me really well I need to to look you know a lot of my life there are no but we will what happens is that when this is going on in terms of the unconscious programing what feels familiar what feels normal is maltreatment yeah then it will I will unconsciously find a way to sabotage that relationship or keep them out of my life and I’ll just I’ll just call it fate well aware of it to be or you know I’ll find some reason to explain it away right and so to your question of you know how do you identify this it’s really late if you have a you have a pattern in your life that was either modeled for you or you experienced over and over again that left you feeling bad about who you are and what you deserve in and what your worst right there that’s where you can start to take a look how has this played out yeah how has this been on repeat in my relationships and taking on that openness to what if what if I just gave it a go yeah what if I tried this method and see if they’re actually work because my last time like the patterns in your life and being an alignment if it continues to happen there has to be some introspection is like okay wait what is this why does he keep showing up for me you know I don’t understand then you start to identify this pattern I guess it’s a good thing to definitely take some time out and look at yourself as much as you’re so careful to make sure that you’re you know that’s good in in
there was a question of who is and that was posed by I believe it was Einstein who said that fundamentally every human being has to answer the question of do I live in a friendly or hostile universe okay how would you answer that question well let me unpack it just a little bit yes it’s the question is life for me or is life against me yeah and if life is against me well then all of this you know not loving myself and see myself in a negative light all of all of that fits with that narrative sure that life is against me but if life is for me well then what would also fit with that is this the appreciation for who I am and and my place in the world you know and that and that I belong here for no other reason that I’m here you need to review the quote because I think we should write it down and asking is that the perspective I have with like am I thinking everybody’s against where is the world actually wanting me to win this one thank if people ask that question answer that question honestly then it is that that defining moment where you decide how you’re gonna handle things
so now that they know that’s where they stand what are some tools what what can they do to develop this the self lover this is self care behaviors this selfish behavior okay so there’s a there’s something in there something at play before we start looking at any kind of tools or techniques or methods those are all helpful but it’s also my perception of myself in him comes down to am I looking for love or am I left right in fact that one of his eye because if who I am in my essence is love I don’t have to go look for it that’s true I don’t get it okay I want to take it we talk about love like it’s this like a commodity like like okay here’s here’s a Cup right when I get it I can take it right in often times so that’s how we that’s how we relate to love like it’s this it’s been an enjoyable thing you give and take right and you can’t do that but I’m saying that is a very limited expression of love that what is love is so much more than that that it’s not just something that can be given and received but that it’s actually who you are it’s a beautiful thought hi I mean I did I just feel it’s very elevated so it’s like how can I take someone who’s down in the dumps to actually understand that concept when they don’t know what that is how do how do we get them there because I I I I want to be able to I want to free people I think this is freeing information so how do I freeze someone who doesn’t know what that looks like I would I would say this is you ask the question what if in so rather than trying to convince someone man or and that or persuade I’m sure that that’s who they are what if you just stay in the question what yes who I am as well I just tried it on what if who I am is live okay I’m I’m I’m gonna try that I think it’s interesting I’m I’m interested in seeing the variety of answers I get to that question I’m gonna try it this week and I would ask yeah I would say that’s a great question to stay in meaning you might ask that question what if who I am as long as you might have things come up here’s here’s what’s powerful about it the answer doesn’t even matter matter yeah it’s look at your life from this possibility what is who I am as looks like I am like a ladder okay it’s like you’re you’re actually elevating your perspective on your own life that’s what questions do yes so it’s looking at your life from this other position of what is who I am as love what do I notice about my life then what do I notice about my relationships might work what do I notice about how I treat myself sure from there the end that methods or techniques or the tools like what has to happen next starts to unfold sure and probably makes more sense you have to understand that before you can actually start using a tool to make it actually really in your life or make it a reality yeah yeah yeah okay then will will will will will stop and then what if I am not I’m kind of against question or for ourselves because it questions as ridiculous the truth makes you dig a little deeper it’s like okay I am not love why am I not logged in how can I change that I really want to get there because I’m always that solution driven person so what would you say we’re and
we’re gonna finish up here I’m what would you how would you want in a really short sound bite out what self love is and why it’s not a selfish act they give you to the jeopardy music how can I do that I heard I was given I was given a statement one time by a mentor of mine and she summed it up this way so I think this is this is really fitting okay he said would you be willing to treat yourself at least as kind as your dearest love okay that’s a good way to get it so if you just treating yourself with the same level of kindness love care respect honor that you have for the people that are are you know most dear to you if you just treat yourself that way what kind of difference would that make for you I think it would make a huge difference for me I think it makes a huge difference for a lot of people yeah if you’re able to extend I kinda love what he just did it for yourself how amazing would that be yeah and see what happens like rather than this idea of if I treat C. you can either have a relationship with the idea of self love or you can actually put it into practice and get a direct experience with self love I would I would anyone even listening today don’t believe me try exactly try and see what you know is not your life don’t believe me don’t don’t believe Courtney tried believe me in our working only I don’t want to believe me they don’t want to keep it up here yeah I want you to try it on put into practice get a direct experience with it that’s a great way to wrap up thanks so much for being here with me and Becky today and leveraging life and we’ll see the next time bye bye